My legs crossed, I rapidly bounce my stiletto-clad foot and twirl my thick hair around my index finger. In these moments, ideally, I would fall into a hole that conveniently appears. That has yet to happen, so I make do with my emotional disappearing act instead. I force myself to be present. Getting me terribly uncomfortable appears to be the magic trick that works to make light bulbs appear above my head. I know if I shut down, I escape the temporary discomfort, but I am depriving myself of much-needed clarity and relief. Refocusing takes tremendous effort, but I lift my eyes to meet hers and force a smile. Abruptly dropping both of my fidgety habits, I sigh deeply and repeat her question. I know I am supposed to feel shame and guilt.
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